I Don't Know Anymore

I just realized that my life after high school has been an epic failure. I flunked out of San Jose State and now I'm barely doing any better at Merritt Community College. Honestly I don't know whats wrong with me. This is not how i expected my life to turn out. Right now I should be at SJSU chillin with Bestfriend and hooping with Rodve & Romeo, instead I'm sitting her tryna figure out how I'm gonna tell my mom i dropped two classes because I was failing. I'm starting to hate life (but don't worry Queen I'm not that far gone). The only things about my life that are good are my friends, Hip Hop, Hoop, and Bestfriend (yes she is her own category).

I don't know what I wanna do with my life. I kinda wanna move away from my mom but not out of California, even though my mom wants me to go to Howard University. I kinda wanna go to LA, not because Bestfriend lives there but I think I just need a change of scenery. But since I don't have a job and therefore have no money the only way I could move to LA is to go school. Its just too bad I'm such a fuck up or else that might actually be possible. I just don't know anymore.

-I'm audi 5

I Lost

Damn, I fucked up pretty bad this time. I lost a friend, no more than a friend a brother. And even if he says he forgives me things will never be the same. I can't believe I did this. I thought I was doing the right thing, but it wasn't worth losing Shadi as my friend. I should have stayed out of it, it wasn't my business and no matter how I felt about the situation the bottom line is I should have stayed loyal to him.

Now I feel very alone. I feel like my friends will abandon me. I mean whats to stop me from doing the same to Brent or Alex or Dave. I don't know what to do, I'm so lost. And then I go to hoop, because it helps me clear everything out and focus on having fun. But Shadi shows up. Now I'm thinking about what he thinks of me and I'm no longer having fun because the situation i wanted to get away from popped up. I wanted to say something, try to talk to him about all this, but there were too many people around.

 So now I'm here wishing I could rewind time. But I guess this is life right, we make decisions and we gotta live with the consequences. I just wish this particular decision didn't cost me a friendship. Shadi if you read this one please forgive me.

-I'm audi 5 Peace

Bros Before Hoes?

Bros before hoes, one of the unwritten rules between guys. But at one point does that rule become less about loyalty and more about doing the right thing. So I have this friend, lets call him Shane, and he's one of my best friends. Now Shane has a girlfriend but still goes out and talks to other females and goes to kick it with them. One of the girls he's talking to, lets call her Jen, has started talking to me just as friends. So as I'm talking to her I realize that she's a really cool girl, but she likes Shane who is a bit of an asshole. Basically to make a long story short I began to feel bad for her because she liked him but he had a girlfriend. So I told her the truth, thinking I was doing the right thing, and told her not to tell him. But that backfired and now he knows that I betrayed him and most likely hates me now, even though she wasn't his main chick.

Now I'm sitting here wondering if I really did the right thing. Should I have let some chick come between me and a good friend. I think I just lost a friend over some chick I just met like a month ago. Idk what to do.

-I'm audi 5 Peace

143

143 aka I  Love You. Those three words are so important in a relationship. I remember one of my ex girls got mad at me because those three words couldn't come out of my mouth. I think I had a mental block around saying it because I didn't feel it. Actually if I remember correctly she dumped me because I couldn't say it. But we got back together when I finally felt like I loved her. But that relationship didn't last too long because...well because she's crazy lol jk not really. 

Next relationship moved kinda fast, this time I knew what I was doing and what I was feeling. And this time the roles were reversed. I knew that I loved her and I also knew how hard it was to say it back if you don't mean it. So the first time I told her I was kinda glad she didn't say it back. I wanted her to wait till she really felt it before she said.

Basically I think 143 is overused. It shouldn't be like saying goodnight or good morning. It shouldn't become a common phrase otherwise it loses its meaning. Why are those words so important anyway, I mean there are other ways to show your love for someone.

-I'm audi 5 Peace

Its Better To Have Love & Lost, Or Is It?

Whoever said its better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all is a fucking idiot. Being in love is the best thing ever, but losing love is the worst thing ever. Love hurts so much, I'd rather have not felt what love is than lost love. I can honestly say that I loved my ex, and we weren't even together that long. I just knew that I was in love. I guess you could call me a romantic, I like a good love story and want to see that happen in real life.

Sometimes I find myself jealous of Bestfriend or Queen, simply because they are in relationships. And I wanna be in a relationship, but I can be picky about the girls I date. And I noticed I kinda have bad luck when it comes to relationships. One pretty good relationship only lasted like a month because she moved to Maine. One relationship ended because she was too immature, but I guess thats my fault. Another relationship ended because my mom didn't like my girlfriend, which made it really difficult ( oh and that girl was crazy). And my most recent relationship ended because I'm the Bay and she's in LA. Idk I just hope I find love one day.

-I'm audi 5 Peace 

The Friend Zone

Ahh, the infamous friend zone. We've all been there, some more than others. Its every guys nightmare. You see a girl you like, but you don't make your intentions clear and you say one thing wrong and end up in the friend zone from which there is no return. Its nearly impossible to escape from the friend zone, I should know I've been there plenty of times. I think I'm too nice cuz I was always end up in the friend zone, and I always end up getting calls from girls talking about their dudes. Now don't get me wrong I like helping people out and some of my bestfriends are girls (Bestfriend & Queen), but I'm starting to think I have too many. Like what about me. Some of these girls whom I'm friends with I wouldn't mind being in a relationship with, and I would treat them better than their dudes who send them crying to me. But the friend zone is like a black hole, nothing ever comes back out.

Oral Sex Is Sex Too

OK so awhile ago my mom was tryna get me to tell her that I had had sex. Now I did already have sex but I wasn't about to tell her that, so I lied and you know what she said "oral sex is sex too." I started dying, and I told Bestfriend about it and we laughed so hard. Its become like our little joke now. Whenever I say that she just starts laughing hella hard. 

So today me and Bestfriend had a little conversation about oral sex, because the guy that she's talking to is kinda hinting that he wants oral sex. Although she doesn't like giving head she does like pleasing her dude. So this got me thinking, cuz I'm into pleasing my girl too, but I also like eating a girl out. At first I guess you could say that I was one of those "real men" that don't eat pussy, but I think every guy should go down on their girl once in awhile especially if they want their chick to do the same to them.

Now this next part goes for guys and girls don't be afraid to tell your gf/bf that he or she is doing it wrong. You know what feels good to you they don't, so if they're doing something wrong then show them how to do it right. If guy doesn't know where the clit is show him where it is, then tell him what to do with it. No one is just born with this knowledge. This will make oral sex more enjoyable. So my advice to guys is stop being a pussy and eat the pussy. And for girls just suck it up (pun intended) lol and do it, it'll most likely keep your dude around.

-I'm audi 5 Peace

Assholes Finish First?

I'm sure every nice guy in the world has asked themselves this question: why do girls like assholes? I know I have asked that question, especially since one of my good friends is an asshole yet he gets all the girls. It seems like every time I talk to him he's showing me a picture of some girl he met and is talking to. Now its not like he isn't a good guy, I mean he is my friend after all, but just the way he treats his girls is off the hook to me. I just don't understand females. 

I've been described as a "sweet asshole" (there's an oxymoron for you) by some girls. Idk what that really means, but I know that I'm the perfect boyfriend or as close and one can get because no ones perfect. And this isn't just me saying this, I'm not that cocky lol. I guess what I'm tryna say is here I am and there he is. One of us treats girls with respect, and the other is an asshole who is mean all the time. But guess which one is single and which one isn't.

One thing I hate about having female friends, no scratch that cute female friends, is that they always wanna talk about their relationships which would be fine if they didn't date assholes. Like I find myself constantly thinking "well why don't you dump him and go out with me, because I would treat you better," but of course that never works when your in the friend zone. Basically what I'm tryna say is GIRLS STOP BEING STUPID AND OPEN YOUR EYES because the right guy could be right in front of you.

-I'm audi 5 Peace

Why are people so stupid?

Ok so my first thought for this blog was why are girls so stupid? But then I thought why leave out the dudes, guys are just as stupid. This is one of the reason me and Bestfriend are bestfriends. We both understand how stupid people in general are. She'll call me and tell about about guys that she's dating or whatever, and I listening like why would he say that? Or wtf was he thinking. And she'll say the samethings when I talk to her about girls.

So now I'll give you an example of the stupid shit I'm talking about. I was talking to this chick that I kinda liked but unfortunately she had a dude. So I was like whatever thats cool, cuz me and her talked like everyday. Then she calls me feeling all sad and shit talking about how she hasn't talked to or seen her boyfriend in like 3 weeks. Now normal people would be like what the hell kinda relationship is this and get out. Not her though she's just gonna stay and keep feeling sad and calling me to talk about it. Now I had already made it clear that I liked her, and whenever we talked I often heard things like "you're so sweet" or "you always make me feel better". Oh and one detail I forget was we fucked. So I'm sitting here thinking why is she still with her wack ass dude who she doesn't talk to when I'm right here. Then I tell Bestfriend this story and she echos what I was thinking. She actually offered to come up here and jump her for me lol. I thought about it but declined. 

I mean thats just one example but I could go on and on, but I'm not gonna put anyone on blast like that. Why can't there be more girls like Bestfriend who aren't retarded...

-I'm audi 5 Peace

Watchmen

Today I went to see Watchmen, and I gotta say that I was a little dissapointed. I mean I know that the book is always better and its impossible to put everything from the book into the movie, but I guess I was expecting something better. I thought its was just ok, but I went into this movie thinking it was gonna be spetacular. Oh and the music was horrible. Idk who did the music but it sucks. I felt like the songs didn't really match the moods on the screen. Basically I'd give this movie a C, I think people who didn't read the graphic novel will probably like it better.

-I'm audi 5 Peace

Sex? Yes Please

So last night I had a conversation with one of my bestfriends, I'm not gonna name any names so I'll just call her Bestfriend, about sex and relationships. It started because...well don't trip how it started thats not really important. I just wanted to highlight some of the things we talked about. Ok so first I asked her to rank her sex partners, haha random I know but I think its a question that all guys ask sometime, you know its that male ego. Anyways found it very hard to rank sex, then we talked about why a guy would even ask that question, because what if its not good news. What if her current boyfriend asks her the same question and she says he's like 5th. I think whether or not its good news guys still want to know, because sex for guys isn't the same for girls. With guys the girl usually doesn't matter he just wants to nut. I can't speak for all guys but I found that I have a need to, for want of a better phrase, do a good job. I want the girl to cum, and I want the girl to feel good. Thats why guys wanna know where they stand, it either feeds their ego or makes them want to try harder. 

We also talked about umm how can I put this, going backward sexually. Like if my ex was a freak then I want my next to be a freak and do the same things. No ones wants to go backward. If my girl likes giving head then I'll try and find another girl that like giving head. But Bestfriend said what if your girl isn't a freak like your ex then what do you do? Do you leave or stay? And me personally I would stay but that would make sex not as good for me, and I would be continuously thinking of my ex.

To be honest I don't even know why I'm talking about this haha, I guess that conversation last night was so good that I wanted to share some parts. There was a lot more but thats all you get lol.

-I'm audi 5 Peace

I hate the rain

Fuck! Its raining dumbass hard, when I came outta class I felt like I jumped in a pool with all my clothes on. Luckily I don't have shit to do so I'm not going anywhere. I think I'll just chill in the crib and watch some movies or something. Damn I can't even hoop. I HATE THE RAIN!!!

-I'M audi 5 Peace

Hoop Is Life

Ugh, I just finished hoopin and I'm tired as hell. But I was servin so its a good tired. But of course I can't leave the hoop court without getting injuried, I rolled my ankle (again), and i got like elbowed in the eye. Oh and we got cheated outta a game, but its all good though thats what happens when you play with busters. Now I think I'll just chill probably at Mike's or something, maybe put some ice on my ankle.

Oh shout to Mish aka The Queen of the World, yes I copied you and got a blog lol. Its because I get bored at home.

But anyways I need to hop in the shower and get ready to do nothing

-I'm audi 5 Peace

My first blog

Hey wassupwitit!! This is my first blog and I'm lightweight juiced haha. I figured i spend so much time on my computer why not get a blog, plus it'll be fun. So the title of this blog is Renagade, for those that don't know Renagade is a song off Jay-Z's album The Blueprint featuring Eminem. And I named my blog that because...well let me post the chorus and you'll get it.

"Never been afraid to say

 what's on my mind, at any given time of day

cause I'm a RENAGADE! Never been afraid to talk

about anything (ANYTHING) anything (ANYTHING), RENAGADE!"

So I will be talking about everything and nothing. Music, movies, tv shows you know the full nine. That's it for today, you know I got shit to do...not really but I'm leaving anyway.

-I'm audi 5 Peace